Saturday, January 4, 2014

A DEEP DARK PIT

I guess this happens to most of us sooner or later. Stuff happens and we no longer cope well.

Once upon a time I was delighting in wheat-free happiness. During all of that period I never doubted there would come a day when that was not enough.

I've been wheat free. except for some very minor slips, for two full years. Most of the time I've been low carb and that means grain free too. Some of the time I've even been in nutritional ketosis and eating LCHF.

There are some things about our life which have led me to despair and caused loss of hope. I know this is a lie which has attached itself to my heart. Hope is eternal and to fall into despair is a dark pit. I know that being in nutritional ketosis goes a long way toward keeping the mind healthy but what about the soul or spirit?

I don't want to dwell but I must be honest. I am craving food. Any kind will do but if it has coffee or chocolate, if it is sweet or savoury, salty or fatty, meaty or nutty, and even high in carbohydrates it will do. Sadly many things on the LCHF and Paleo Template approved list fall into danger foods for me right now.

What did I do that was so bad? Two nights ago I was upset and unable to sleep. John was sleeping soundly. Finally I got out of bed, made myself a sachet of Nestlé cappuccino, grabbed an unopened packet of crispy rice crackers and a 1/4 of a packet of Philadelphia cream cheese. Sadly none of it was fully satisfying and I probably slept less than 3 hours. It's not so much that I deliberately set out to plug a hole that is upsetting me. It's that the hole is there and I don't seem to be able to plug it. This has been going on for several months now.

LCHF cannot and will not fill a deep emotional hole. As far as food is concerned, during this period, all I can do is grit my teeth and be disciplined to the best of my ability. The days I fail I can tell myself, "This will not last forever."

I have a book called Elegant Choices. It's one of those books I've never been able to read in it's entirety but it explained what an elegant choice is. It might be as simple as picking a flower and setting it in an attractive vase or it might be making a determined effort to get dressed in clothes that help me feel good before 10 am, or going to bed at a reasonable hour in a pretty nightie. Elegant choices are great antidote for depression and pulling yourself out of a funk. But it takes more than physical choices.

I do believe that the most important thing is getting in touch with God and for me the heavens have been mighty brassy for years. Currently I'm reading a book about wilderness times and recovery from them. The book is "From Faking It To Finding Grace" by Connie Cavanaugh. Maybe I'm finding answers that will change my life.

I apologise to anyone who has looked to me for encouragement or inspiration and found it shallow or irritating. The truth is I am so deeply wounded and sometimes lost that I take a risk everytime I make a comment.

The other side of this coin is that I do have faith in God and His ability to see me through.

Today .... I am simply living the day. Tomorrow has not come. Yesterday and the day before are past , dead wood.

This journal was not intended to go into my personal and spiritual life but if I am to have any integrity at all I must be honest. I am going through some kind of emotional, mental, spiritual crisis which never seems to end and it's having a huge impact on my ability to eat, sleep and exercise in a healthy way.

Hopefully I will find my way through this confusing labyrinth very soon.

More coffee anyoneSmile

2 comments:

  1. As I know a little of your family turmoil, I can understand where you are at.

    But what you have to remember is that there is nothing you can do to change the past, or what will happen in the future in relation to other family members, so you have to find a way to cope with the loss, conflict and pain you feel because there is NOTHING you can do about it.
    All you can do is try and alter how you react to it, how you cope with it, and how YOU can learn to live with it without it destroying your happiness.

    You deserve to be happy Anne. You have done NOTHING wrong.

    I can HIGHLY recommend seeing a counsellor to talk through your feelings. Failing that... give yourself a little talk every day ... say out loud how you are feeling, scream or cry if you have to... but just let it out. You may be surprised how good it makes you feel.

    Remember, lots of us are here for you, let off steam here if it helps. No one minds. Sharing a problem immediately halves it!

    You need to do whatever you can to make life better for you and John. Cos ya only live once and I'd hate to think you are going to be miserable for freakin years!

    Oh and try not to beat yourself up about food. If you slip now and then, you are NORMAL. Do not cause yourself even more heartache or stress by being so strict on yourself. You have made amazing changes in your diet, which impacts hugely on your physical and mental health. You have TOTAL control over that Chick.

    Sorry if I'm off the mark here, and sorry for writing a book!

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  2. Aww I am so sorry to read this and so late. I have not kept up with my bloggie friends but checking now and I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you, and hope things have gotten a bit better. Hugs.

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